What hope entails

My life, as of now, cannot bear the situation I am currently in. As much as I'd like to think there is always light at the end of the tunnel, my mind just keeps wondering why can't I just have a flash light in hand instead of waiting for that light at the end?

The recent domino effect seem to make my hope of ever getting out, deteriorate. But who am I to complain about this? I am done complaining really. I am sick of hearing myself. Hearing myself tell others. But for some reason, I just have the urge to tell it to people. Is it for pity's sake? Or am I yearning for some more encouragement other than what I am trying to create deep down?

I am a part-timer. And due to current transition of the company, my eligibility was-to say the least- undermined by that fact my accrued hours are not enough to benefit from their benefits.

Now, I am desperate

Adulthood

When I was a little girl, the idea of growing up has always been scary. It's like those scary stories people tell you so you wouldn't do a certain thing. The first I was told to grow up was when my cousin hit me with a belt. My other cousin and I decided to play at a neighbor's house without telling anyone. So, when we got home, we were scolded and got a beating. Not a bad beating. Just a few smacks on the butt. My cousin was first then I came second. And as that belt landed on my behind, my older cousin said, " Ikaw yung mas matanda! Kaya dapat alam mong mali!" ("You're the older one! You should know better!")

That was the first.

The second one came when I hit adolescence, things changed. I was older than most of the children in my neighborhood, my street. And every 4:00pm, we would always play outside. When puberty hit, I can't deny that compared to my playmates, I was really old. Therefore my older cousin said something again. She goes, "Matanda ka na. Hindi ka na pwedeing makipaglaro sa mga mas bata" ("I'm old already. I can't just play with younger kids") I was told I can no longer play with younger children, therefore, I stopped. For the rest of my life, I stayed indoors. Until, I moved here in the US.

And of course being told to grow up did not stop in the Philippines. Adulthood slapped me across the face just as I crossed the seas to here. I was 15 and having a driver's license and working greeted me with welcoming arms as I shunned the idea. But, constantly hearing about it made me give in. Once again, I was told to do things. I was told to grow up.

Clearly, there are milestones developing definitions of adulthood. For some, it's marriage. Others, it's having a child. Some may even consider earning you're own money while age is considered to be the ultimate evidence for growing up. But then, it's just a number.

For me. Shoot. I don't know. I got the job, the bills to pay, the degree, amongst other things, to get me into that definition of what is being an adult. Well, part of that definition. But I guess, from what I heard, it's beyond all of those things. Therefore, I am still not an adult.

And I am so confuse. I thought I was.

Honey bees and stinging men ears

I am guilty as charge.

As a person who uses "honey" or "sweetie" or even "baby" with no malice or the intent of using these grandma phrases to lure an opposite sex for attraction, I have yet to learn to draw the line when addressing these sweet nothings to a guy. Lately, I have come in contact with situations involving these sweet callings toward guys coming from some of my friends. Let me elaborate:

Person A addresses on of these sweet nothings to person C through online messages. Thinking it was probably platonic and okay to "return" the calling, person C refers to person A 'sexy' after replying back. Now, person A was baffled and cannot understand why Person C called her 'sexy', therefore constructing involuntary analysis of what the word 'sexy' means to him and to her.

Which brings me to the point: do women have the free card to say sweet things to men, not having the intentions of flirting and cavorting with them?

Being a woman is complex.

I agree. Definitely complex, but never complicated. I believe that our sweet personalities are driven through actions and words but be aware there is a rather thin line between these platonic, nice, sweet gestures and just plain flirting. Let me break it down:

> A touch of an arm has nothing to do with us liking you. It's about comfort.

Now, caressing an arm has everything to do with liking you. Prolonged caresses that travel from part to another is the major sign for wanting you.

> A friendly smile or quick glances do not indicate an interest of knowing you more. It's all friendly.

A smile with a smirk and playful gazes- long playful gazes- gives a green light to approach her-never the other way around.

> Using 'hun', 'sweetie' or other phrases exchanged between a grandmother and her grandson is nothing more but a friendly calling. Instead of 'dude' or 'man', it's a more feminine way to address a fellow opposite comrade. We're just being sweet. That is all.

> Putting an arm around your arm is just a platonic human contact. Just like touching your arm, it's nothing more but be cuddly and have something to lean on. Because, I'm telling you, we like to cuddle.

So there. I know i'm leaving some things that need clarification...please leave a comment and let me know what you think :)

These are a few of my not-so-favorite things to do nowadays...

So, as i embark on this great journey called real life, my list of things to do-either must or not so much- is growing. Every minute. Every second. of every hour. Now, i am not sure where to start. First off, now that I am done (entirely?) with school, I have to start paying the loans...step one: find someone to consolidate my loans in a considerable rate. Step two: pay it!!!! Step three: pay until there is no more!!!! therefore, time frame of payment is unknown.

But then, in order for me to pay, a job must entail. I am currently (still) in the position of a part time job and considering that the company recently took a deduction, well, is not going well. So, the steps on loan payments are not really in the process of getting done. And then, there's the home projects. the personal projects. and the job hunting.

I must say, for someone who just got out of school thinking that she'll be relieved from work...is totally incorrect. Oh, and of course, to add to the list, the incessant notion of being healthy aka slender and not flabby. That would be my list. Seem short but full of very important things...

Don't get me wrong. I live for listing things. It keeps me motivated and productive. But lately, I just cannot embrace the idea that my list has things that are so....grown-uppy...lol. before it was just simple things listed- clean room, do dishes, laundry. Now, although short and straight to the point, the list has complex things that has sub-list under the things listed already! I mean, like, finding a good rate for consolidation...you call people...decide...keep calling...fill up a form...call....start paying....worry about paying....etc. And that's only under, finding a loan consolidator! There are so many things attach to it! The list just seem to go on forever. And don't get me started with combining all these necessities to my goals. My life goals consist of writing a book and publishing it...and then there's designing clothes. Am I suffocating so much with what's happening that I taking whatever I can to give me air to breathe?!?

Wow, have I gone mad? Or am I completely dreading reality?

$-1.23 please

This may form as greed or pride, but when I was making more money than I anticipated, it was a relief to look at my bank account and see that I am not on the negative side. However, it is different nowadays, that the idea of looking at my bank account is like a horror movie in which, everytime I sign in waiting, I get nervous and anxious. And then when I do see my balance I have The Screamers face. Why must we have to be so involve with money?

Maybe it was my own fault. Spending unnecessary things...but then again, I was just paying for my bills....

The concept of acquiring money faster and, to say least, easier, is very very tempting. Let's see, I could lose weight and be a stripper...or a call girl...or maybe deal drugs...It's interesting that these "immoral" employment tie in to the fast and easy money plan...Why is it harder to gain money leading a legal life?

I read this article last week about a man who gave up money. And he's alive. Sure, he may have not showered for a long time, and lives in a cave...but the food he gets from family and friends were obviously bought with money, therefore, is it wrong for me to say that what he is doing is hypocrisy? Surely, he can pick a fruit from a tree, eat it and then plant it and live off from that farming technique we have had the ability to know. And with water, there must be some filtration system he could generate out of organic materials and use that to have clean water.

Come to think of it, he should be naked or wearing something made out of nature....then, I could attest that he is no longer living with money....

These are just ramblings caused from a negative dollar and twenty-three cents.

The Time Traveler's Wife aka Author is teaching at Columbia

It's interesting how things just connect. This passed weekend, I just found out how one of my close friends are somewhat connected to Santi's friend's ex. Of course, I started remembering my connections to people, resulting to a realization that the world is indeed small. And then last night, as I started reading the book, The Time Traveler's Wife (Thanks, Walter!), I found out that the author is teaching at Columbia. My Columbia College. Funny. I mean, there are really no big connections there, but it's somewhat significant. This month, I have been questioning whether or not I made the right choice about choosing Columbia. It's too late now, I understand that, but it's just something that I have been thinking over and over again. My recent situation really did create doubts, on myself, on people, on everything. But I guess I really have to accept that the economy is mostly to blame. Like before though, I won't let it. I just won't.

And then, I generated this what if: What if I could travel back in time? Not for the purpose of righting what was "wrong", but making it better. Would the outcome still be the same?

Aside from the book, I have been connected to other time traveling themes. I just finished watching Doctor Who- a syndicated show in the UK where a man or alien (Time Lord), only known as the Doctor, travels in time never be mistaken for traveling to parallel universe.

What if we do have the capability to travel in time? Would people abuse it? The obvious precedes itself, but what if time traveling has been part of our lives, like air, and therefore taking advantage of it is unlikely?

And the question arises again: What now?

My summer class is almost over. And although I had a hard time giving the best I've got, I am contemplating whether or not I should dive again to class schedules, homework, projects and the likes next semester. It seems like school is the only thing I can control at the moment, and without it, I'm a headless chicken- always scrambling to find things to do that are "more" interesting. But then again, I don't want to be a professional student, because even though it lets you acquire more knowledge, it leaves you begging the government for money to pay to learn. Why can't the government pay US to learn??? Instead, we pay the U.S. to learn things that we can generally learn ourselves if we are motivated enough. Let's face it, not all of us have that drive. The drive to learn more and more. To do things in our own. Shoot. I even have a hard time manipulating my mind to do things out of self-encouragement. I know there are more things to learn in life than in books, but for some reason, books are more consolidated than life. I mean, it has a variety of genres: comedy, romantic-comedy, drama, action/adventure, horror- all of which are inspired by life itself.

A turn of a page could hold an idea, a knowledge, its own inspiration, immediately being stored in one's mind until it's never used and replaced by another. We all learned in psychology that a child's mind has more space for memories and as we grow older, that space becomes more limited and to say the least, we become forgetful. However, we tend to remember things, memories that seem irrelevant but it holds some kind of significance in our lives. The brain itself is as complex as life. The brain is our very own library, broad yet specific.

Since we always use the phrase "another chapter begins" or "ends"- depends really on the context- it is appropriate to consider our brain as the library of our body. But it's not as consolidated as a book published, bound and read. So, I guess we're back in square one?

If my life is a book, it has to be an encyclopedia. Not because I have all the knowledge, but, I'm only limited to certain ideas/things/etc. I only know one thing at a time. And don't even get me started with what alphabet letter do I manage. I'm an encyclopedia who is trained to do one thing and one thing only: succeed. There is nothing wrong with that. I mean, I still do possess some interesting facts, but my spontaneity is limited. I'll always long to be an adventure book, but I'm not gutsy enough. Come on, I categorize myself by letters, that's not really the adventurous type.

I would say my cousin is one. She's not the Choose-Your-Own-Adventure deal, but she'll be more The Odyssey adventure, or maybe more political like a biography of a famous person or an influential person. My friends would be a diverse category. My friend Kat would be the independent girl book turned chick-flick. Alycia would be the romance novels...Sarah would be a romantic- comedy series, coming of age tale as I put it. Arcelia would be a How-to book. My mom would be the Bible. So is my dad. Well, it's a tie between, a book of religious songs or fashion books :) Santiago would definitely be a gamer's world book. But then again, who am I to judge a book by its cover?